What is conscious uncoupling?
Closing a relationship consciously is about ending a relationship with care and respect. It is about healing, learning your lessons, letting your partner go, and coming back to who you are. It allows you to make and find peace by accepting the ending of a relationship that no longer serves you.
This enables you to be in gratitude for what has been, so that you can move forward whilst still relating to your former partner, in amicable ways.
It is true that a conscious uncoupling is more painful and difficult to engage with at first, but once you have gone through the process you can enjoy the benefits of more self-awareness, healing, forgiveness, and a healthy sense of closure. Unconscious uncoupling will initially guard you from looking at some difficult truths, but as time progresses you will notice that it is in fact the harder and most likely more conflictual route to take.
How you choose to end a relationship, is especially important when children are involved. Parents who consciously close their relationship lay the foundation for a good long-term relationship with their former partner. This allows both parents, and children, to go through the transformation together in a peaceful and supportive way.
If you are thinking about ending the relationship, here are some important points to consider:
1. Have an honest conversation with your partner
To enable a conscious uncoupling, you must acknowledge and confront your fear of leaving by expressing your intention to leave.
Be very clear about what isn’t working for you currently, which needs aren’t being met, and what would need to change in the relationship. Thereafter, consciously make a commitment with your partner and agree on a time period where you both give the relationship another chance by being all in. Let your partner know that you will leave if things are not working after the set time period.
At the end of the time period, you should be able to decide whether to move on or stay in the relationship.
2. Close the relationship when you know it is over
Regardless of who decides to close the relationship, both partners must be clear about the fact that it is ending.
It is important to know that you and your partner don’t have to agree on ending the relationship. So, if the need to end things is coming from your side be kind but straightforward.
Your partner might pressure you to stay in the relationship for the sake of your children. Don’t give in to this, as it is wrong to assume that your children will benefit more from two parents in an unhappy marriage, compared to parents who decide to divorce.
By taking the time to close the relationship consciously, the hardships caused by your divorce will most likely be outweighed by the fact that your children now have two happy and equally supportive parents.
3. Invite your partner to also close the relationship consciously
In the scenario that you want to close the relationship consciously, invite your partner to do the same. Ultimately your partner will have to make this decision for themselves, which could lead to either a joined conscious closure or the decision to simply disconnect.
Regardless of your partner’s decision, don’t let it influence or delay your path to closure. Your needs don’t have to be met when ending a relationship – not being able to meet each other anymore is likely the root cause of why you are breaking up.
If your partner is not ready to meet you in this conscious process, agree to take your own time and separately go through the conscious closing.
Some benefits of closing a relationship consciously
- It helps you to let go of your partner – this prevents you from staying in a negative bond with your partner, surrounded by potential feelings of hostility, revenge or continues fighting.
- It can facilitate mutual care for each other – instead of leaving one partner heartbroken and abandoned, conscious closing allows partners to talk about what has happened and work through the pain in a respectful way.
- It allows for healing – both partners can look inwardly at their own behavioral patterns and traumas so that you can fully heal and move on.
- It allows you to learn meaningful lessons – by owning your mistakes and accepting that you too may bring dynamics to a relationship that don’t necessarily work, you will avoid repeating negative patterns in future relationships.
- It enables shared gratitude – by expressing gratitude for the roles you and your partner played in each other’s life you can forgive each other and redefine those roles to be more suitable to the dynamics going forward.
Allow yourself to move forward by choosing the path of conscious uncoupling
If you are having thoughts about leaving your relationship, but struggle with having difficult discussions with your partner, I can be of help.
As a relationship coach my goal is to support, prepare and guide you through these conversations and process. Allowing you (and hopefully your partner) to come to peaceful and conscious terms with your ending relationship.
