The beginning… of the end
My world and heart broke apart, when the person I considered the love of my life for over18 years, my beloved, my husband and the father of my children confessed, he wanted out of our relationship. He loved me but wasn’t in love anymore.
For me, it came out of nowhere and I was devastated. My world felt like it had tipped upside down.
In the beginning, I tried to rationalize it. I thought he might be going through a midlife crisis. I even felt excited about the opportunity to work on our relationship problems, the missing emotional connection, and sexual chemistry.
But he didn’t want to work on our relationship. He had moved on. I watched him walk away from everything we had shared and built together in complete and utter disbelief.
Nothing made sense anymore. It felt like dying. I remember lying in a hotel room alone, tears streaming down my face, breathing into my heart for hours because I feared it would explode or stop beating if it didn’t.
The love of my life was gone, with seemingly little remorse or care that his decision had broken me and was causing me so much pain.
I learnt 5 really important lessons at the beginning of my breakup:
- It is an utterly traumatic experience and there is nothing wrong with you or your feelings.
- You will revisit every aspect of your identity, it is about learning to let go and embracing the unknown.
- You need to accept that sometimes people aren’t able, willing, or capable of showing up for us in the way we wish they would.
- It is possible to release someone, even though you might still love and care for them. It simply means we love ourselves more to let go even when it hurts.
- It takes two to have a healthy and honest relationship that inspires connection, intimacy, and growth.
Things fall apart
What I found ironic is that I had been coaching and teaching people communication skills for healthy relationships, conflict resolution, and collaboration for years. I helped many people who were going through breakups, relationship turmoil, separation, and divorce in my workshops and practice groups.
But what I realized when going through this experience myself was that my tools and knowledge – which had worked with so many – were in fact rather limited when faced with the intense pain, despair, and anger that I was experiencing as someone who had been left behind.
It was excruciating, but I also knew that I had to get my shit together because one thing was clear to me: I did not want a horrible divorce. I did not want to lash out in bitterness and anger. I did not want to destroy my family at its core and traumatize my children for life.
So, I set out on a journey of intense research and exploration, reading and learning from the best experts in the field about what it meant to break up with dignity, how to heal my heart and build a co-parenting relationship with my former husband.
There is a saying, “hurt people hurt people”. And I knew I had to make a choice. Either I could:
1. Stay stuck in my unhappiness and perpetuate my suffering by lashing out, taking revenge and defending myself.
OR
2. Set out on a journey of self-discovery, to grapple with my overwhelming emotions, to heal my heart, reclaim my power in conversations and to trust in love again.
I chose the second option, which I did with absolute devotion and tenacity, and it paid off.
Embracing life as it unfolds
Two years later and here I am enjoying a beautiful and close relationship with my two resourceful boys. I find myself exploring a new romantic relationship. And most importantly, I share a respectful and kind relationship with the father of my children and his new partner.
You may have noticed that out of 1 breakup I now find myself in 3 new and happy relationships. I couldn’t want for more.
These are my takeaways from choosing the path of healing and self-discovery:
- Acknowledging that the pain you feel when your relationship ends awakens unresolved trauma, rejection and abandonment wounds.
- It’s a tumultuous experience but the good news is that because it stirs up so many emotions it really is like an open-heart surgery. It means you get to clean out all that is unhealthy and reconstruct something healthy and beautiful.
- The pain from a broken relationship affects not only you, the one who has been left behind, but also your children and partner – everyone needs to heal with grace and dignity.
- Choosing to go on a journey of self-discovery and reclaim your power in conversation is the kindest and most good-hearted decision you will make – to feel all of the intense emotions, learn the lessons, and ultimately release the pain that you’re in is so much healthier than laying hurt down as your foundation and building a home filled with wrath.
How I reclaimed my good ending
Making the decision to take my journey of research and exploration, looking for better tools and ways that really worked, waking up my feelings of shame and primal fear and facing them head on, getting in touch with my most intense and powerful emotions, the ones we tend to be afraid of, all of this helped me to find a better version of myself.
This is how my course RISE AGAIN was born. I have taken everything I learnt from my own journey and framed it with my expertise in conversational coaching, to provide the help you and your family may need to move through this transition – whole, intact, and thriving.
Here are some of the lessons you will gain when you sign up for my course:
- Instead of allowing adversity and rejection to diminish you, you will regain emotional control and rewire your beliefs around ending relationships.
- Gain concrete skills for authentic self-expression and start managing your emotions better during challenging conversations.
- Learn to discern and stand firmly in your truth – aligning what you feel, say and do to reclaim your power, confidence and set healthy boundaries.
- You will receive tools and guidance to help you heal faster when you are the one left behind.
- Become clear on how to identify and break painful conversation dynamics and ultimately invite a peaceful co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Thank goodness I learnt to rise again and reclaim my power. How fortunate I am to have found forgiveness in my heart to move on with my life. I am richer for it. Today, I feel at peace.
Now it’s your turn to rise, move through the pain and find love again. Find out about my RISE AGAIN course here.
